Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from area. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A three-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")

As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have another location where by American Adult men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer Anyone a set to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

According to files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should prevent using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You recognize, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after finding the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.

"It really is not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Features

Perhaps the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A Trump Tower Damascus silent atrium exactly where company may possibly ponder vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Area Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They can Come"

The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Endlessly."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the realm"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."

A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."